Walking On Water

This blog post has been a long time coming. It’s been brewing around in my head for about the last 2 years….I know, that’s a long time! Let me just forward this post by offering an apology…not for its contents, but for not telling some of you personally. I don’t by any means mean to offend anyone or belittle any relationships by sharing these things with you through the internet. I just didn’t have the means, and perhaps the courage, to tell everyone in person. It in no way reflects a lack of trust or love. Please forgive me. I feel the need to share these things with you now because I feel like I’m not able to be fully myself with all those I love. I feel like I’ve been hiding and its leading down a road of depression and self-doubt that I’m finding it harder and harder to get out of. I am not ashamed of the choices I’ve made. I don’t regret the choices I’ve made. I just need everyone to know and understand.

About a year a half after I moved to Abilene, I started to develop friendships that have become very important to me, with people who weren’t members of the LDS (Mormon) church. I met most of them through work. It became hard for me to wrap my head around the doctrine that I believed that these people weren’t going to receive the “fullness of glory” or as many blessing in this life or the next because they weren’t Mormon. Some of them were better Christians than most of the LDS people I knew. I spent a lot of time reflecting, studying, and praying about what I felt. The more time I spent with these people the more I felt excited about Jesus. I fell more in love with the Lord. I would sit through sacrament meeting and be a little irritated that the only time I heard the name of Jesus was in the prayers or hymns. There seemed to be too much other “stuff” taking the focus away from the Lord. I’m not saying they were bad things, but not what I wanted or needed to hear in my Sunday worship.

It was when I came to these realizations that the internal conflict I had begun to rage. I had been a missionary. I spent 18 months of my life teaching and preaching that the doctrine of the LDS church was right and Gods only true church on the earth. I had testified that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and the Book of Mormon was scripture. After all that, I was feeling a distance from the church and a yearning for something more. I wanted JESUS. Nothing more, nothing less.

 I decided to explore things a little, and I went to a non-denominational church with my friend Tracee. It was an eye opening experience. These people were on fire for Jesus. They sang about Jesus. All the preacher talked about was Jesus, His sacrifice, and how we could be like Him. I loved it. I was kind of scared by how much I loved it. It was so different than anything I had ever experienced and against a lot of the doctrine I was taught, but I LOVED it! My heart just about exploded. The focus wasn’t on what we had to do to gain favor with the Lord. It was about His saving GRACE. It was focused on His patience, compassion, and mercy. I think it was the first time in my life I felt my own nothingness and my complete need to be made whole through Jesus’ death on the cross. I have never been so humbled, and I yearned for a personal, intimate relationship with God…aside from the checklist of things to do to gain His acceptance.

I gradually separated myself more and more from the Mormon Church and focused more and more on my one-ness with God. I spent hours praying, studying, and asking questions. I still had some conflicting beliefs, but when it came to what my heart wanted all it longed for was Jesus. I felt I was serving Him, loving Him, and testifying of Him, even though I wasn’t doing all the things I had always been taught, in a sense, “proved” that. All I was doing was accepting Him. I was getting to know Him on a personal level through prayer and His word. God became a friend, instead of a taskmaster. He was my loving Father, whose only goal was to save me through the gift of His Son.

I went to church a few more times with Tracee, and then I went a few times with my friend Kristen at a Baptist church. It was the same thing; a focus on Jesus and nothing else. It was ultimately where I felt more at home, so I kept going.

I started feeling more of a push to dedicate my heart and focus to one place instead of feeling like I had one foot on the Mormon side of the fence and the other in this new found passion for Christ. One Sunday last Summer I was sitting in the worship service by myself. Kristen and her family weren’t there. I don’t even remember what the preacher was talking about, but at the end when he invites people to come and accept the Lord or pray with him, I knew what I needed to do. I walked up to the preacher and told him that I felt with every fiber of my being that Jesus is Lord; that I am saved by Grace, and nothing else. I told him I had always had a faith that Jesus is my Savior, but I felt a renewed sense of love and commitment to him. I told him I wanted to join his church. I’ll never forget those 19 steps I took to the preacher that day. It was like with every step I took I felt more and more freedom. I felt the bonds of the world and my own nothingness completely break. I was free in Christ. I felt a one-ness with him that I had never felt. I was HIS. And it was AWESOME!

I was baptized into that church on October 30, 2011. This may sound blasphemous to some, but I was baptized in my temple dress. To me it was symbolic. I was taking what I knew of God and His gospel and I was adding this renewed faith and love. There are still doctrines of the LDS faith that I believe, and let me make it very clear that I don’t have any ill feelings toward the Mormon Church. It is what laid the foundation of my faith and made me the woman I have become. I firmly believe it was what I needed for the first 23 years of my life. I don’t regret my mission. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I also don’t feel like I’m right and they’re wrong. I’m happy for those who feel like that is where they feel closest to God. I just don’t feel that way. I’m very aware of the consequences that the LDS faith professes for leaving the church. For a long time that was all that kept me there. Within the practices of the LDS church, I felt hindered in my ability to fully surrender and submit my heart to God. There was too much “stuff” in the way. I feel free now. My heart feels a peace that I know only comes from God.

Please understand that I haven’t gone crazy. I still have the same morals, standards, values…whatever you want to call it. I still believe that obedience brings forth the blessings of heaven, but I also believe that those things don’t save me. Jesus does. His suffering in Gethsemane and on the cross and my acceptance of that merciful gift does. He is ALL I need.

I find it hard to believe that a loving God, who created me in His image, will punish me for wanting and striving to live more fully in Him…but if for some reason He does (which I don’t believe in the least), He’s not a God I want to spend eternity with. God is love. He is peace. He is acceptance. I hope and pray I emulate Him in all I do. I fall short every day, but Jesus heals, forgives, and saves. God is good ALL THE TIME!!!!!!

This decision was not one I made lightly. I was a 2 year process. Please respect my decision. I don’t mind talking about it or answering questions, but please don’t think that my soul is in jeopardy or that I need saving. I feel confident in my relationship with God, and to me that’s the only thing that matters. I titled this blog “walking on water” because it’s a leap of faith. My eyes are firmly fixed on the Master, and I know that if my focus turns to the people who may judge or be mad or disappointed, I’m gonna sink. So, as it should be, my focus is on God. I hope it always will be.

Again, please don’t be mad or offended if you feel that I should have shared these things with you in person. If I could fly to all of you and sit down personally with you, I would. I love you all and I’m grateful for the relationships we have. I hope they don’t change or the way you feel about me changes. I’m still just Jess. I’m just choosing to serve and worship God in a different way…and it makes my heart so happy.