Walking On Water

This blog post has been a long time coming. It’s been brewing around in my head for about the last 2 years….I know, that’s a long time! Let me just forward this post by offering an apology…not for its contents, but for not telling some of you personally. I don’t by any means mean to offend anyone or belittle any relationships by sharing these things with you through the internet. I just didn’t have the means, and perhaps the courage, to tell everyone in person. It in no way reflects a lack of trust or love. Please forgive me. I feel the need to share these things with you now because I feel like I’m not able to be fully myself with all those I love. I feel like I’ve been hiding and its leading down a road of depression and self-doubt that I’m finding it harder and harder to get out of. I am not ashamed of the choices I’ve made. I don’t regret the choices I’ve made. I just need everyone to know and understand.

About a year a half after I moved to Abilene, I started to develop friendships that have become very important to me, with people who weren’t members of the LDS (Mormon) church. I met most of them through work. It became hard for me to wrap my head around the doctrine that I believed that these people weren’t going to receive the “fullness of glory” or as many blessing in this life or the next because they weren’t Mormon. Some of them were better Christians than most of the LDS people I knew. I spent a lot of time reflecting, studying, and praying about what I felt. The more time I spent with these people the more I felt excited about Jesus. I fell more in love with the Lord. I would sit through sacrament meeting and be a little irritated that the only time I heard the name of Jesus was in the prayers or hymns. There seemed to be too much other “stuff” taking the focus away from the Lord. I’m not saying they were bad things, but not what I wanted or needed to hear in my Sunday worship.

It was when I came to these realizations that the internal conflict I had begun to rage. I had been a missionary. I spent 18 months of my life teaching and preaching that the doctrine of the LDS church was right and Gods only true church on the earth. I had testified that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and the Book of Mormon was scripture. After all that, I was feeling a distance from the church and a yearning for something more. I wanted JESUS. Nothing more, nothing less.

 I decided to explore things a little, and I went to a non-denominational church with my friend Tracee. It was an eye opening experience. These people were on fire for Jesus. They sang about Jesus. All the preacher talked about was Jesus, His sacrifice, and how we could be like Him. I loved it. I was kind of scared by how much I loved it. It was so different than anything I had ever experienced and against a lot of the doctrine I was taught, but I LOVED it! My heart just about exploded. The focus wasn’t on what we had to do to gain favor with the Lord. It was about His saving GRACE. It was focused on His patience, compassion, and mercy. I think it was the first time in my life I felt my own nothingness and my complete need to be made whole through Jesus’ death on the cross. I have never been so humbled, and I yearned for a personal, intimate relationship with God…aside from the checklist of things to do to gain His acceptance.

I gradually separated myself more and more from the Mormon Church and focused more and more on my one-ness with God. I spent hours praying, studying, and asking questions. I still had some conflicting beliefs, but when it came to what my heart wanted all it longed for was Jesus. I felt I was serving Him, loving Him, and testifying of Him, even though I wasn’t doing all the things I had always been taught, in a sense, “proved” that. All I was doing was accepting Him. I was getting to know Him on a personal level through prayer and His word. God became a friend, instead of a taskmaster. He was my loving Father, whose only goal was to save me through the gift of His Son.

I went to church a few more times with Tracee, and then I went a few times with my friend Kristen at a Baptist church. It was the same thing; a focus on Jesus and nothing else. It was ultimately where I felt more at home, so I kept going.

I started feeling more of a push to dedicate my heart and focus to one place instead of feeling like I had one foot on the Mormon side of the fence and the other in this new found passion for Christ. One Sunday last Summer I was sitting in the worship service by myself. Kristen and her family weren’t there. I don’t even remember what the preacher was talking about, but at the end when he invites people to come and accept the Lord or pray with him, I knew what I needed to do. I walked up to the preacher and told him that I felt with every fiber of my being that Jesus is Lord; that I am saved by Grace, and nothing else. I told him I had always had a faith that Jesus is my Savior, but I felt a renewed sense of love and commitment to him. I told him I wanted to join his church. I’ll never forget those 19 steps I took to the preacher that day. It was like with every step I took I felt more and more freedom. I felt the bonds of the world and my own nothingness completely break. I was free in Christ. I felt a one-ness with him that I had never felt. I was HIS. And it was AWESOME!

I was baptized into that church on October 30, 2011. This may sound blasphemous to some, but I was baptized in my temple dress. To me it was symbolic. I was taking what I knew of God and His gospel and I was adding this renewed faith and love. There are still doctrines of the LDS faith that I believe, and let me make it very clear that I don’t have any ill feelings toward the Mormon Church. It is what laid the foundation of my faith and made me the woman I have become. I firmly believe it was what I needed for the first 23 years of my life. I don’t regret my mission. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I also don’t feel like I’m right and they’re wrong. I’m happy for those who feel like that is where they feel closest to God. I just don’t feel that way. I’m very aware of the consequences that the LDS faith professes for leaving the church. For a long time that was all that kept me there. Within the practices of the LDS church, I felt hindered in my ability to fully surrender and submit my heart to God. There was too much “stuff” in the way. I feel free now. My heart feels a peace that I know only comes from God.

Please understand that I haven’t gone crazy. I still have the same morals, standards, values…whatever you want to call it. I still believe that obedience brings forth the blessings of heaven, but I also believe that those things don’t save me. Jesus does. His suffering in Gethsemane and on the cross and my acceptance of that merciful gift does. He is ALL I need.

I find it hard to believe that a loving God, who created me in His image, will punish me for wanting and striving to live more fully in Him…but if for some reason He does (which I don’t believe in the least), He’s not a God I want to spend eternity with. God is love. He is peace. He is acceptance. I hope and pray I emulate Him in all I do. I fall short every day, but Jesus heals, forgives, and saves. God is good ALL THE TIME!!!!!!

This decision was not one I made lightly. I was a 2 year process. Please respect my decision. I don’t mind talking about it or answering questions, but please don’t think that my soul is in jeopardy or that I need saving. I feel confident in my relationship with God, and to me that’s the only thing that matters. I titled this blog “walking on water” because it’s a leap of faith. My eyes are firmly fixed on the Master, and I know that if my focus turns to the people who may judge or be mad or disappointed, I’m gonna sink. So, as it should be, my focus is on God. I hope it always will be.

Again, please don’t be mad or offended if you feel that I should have shared these things with you in person. If I could fly to all of you and sit down personally with you, I would. I love you all and I’m grateful for the relationships we have. I hope they don’t change or the way you feel about me changes. I’m still just Jess. I’m just choosing to serve and worship God in a different way…and it makes my heart so happy. 

A year already??

Holy moly, I didnt realize it had been a YEAR since I posted last. I guess I just dont feel like much has changed in the last year...except for I did finish my first 2 semesters of college. Im gearing up for this fall semester and its gonna be a doozy. Im taking Anatomy & Physiology 2, Microbiology, College Algebra, and Psychology. I think Im gonna be busy! Add that to my full time job at the hospital, and my part time job at a rehab hospital, I just might go crazy! :) This will be my last semester of pre-requisites for nursing, and Im hoping to start the RN program at Angelo State in January.

Speaking of work, I still love my job! Im still in the same place at the hospital, on the Neurology floor. Our hospital is trying to become a stroke center, so now I think we're known as the "neuroscience center"....whatever that means. All I know is that I get so much joy out of helping people everyday. Its a dirty job, but I just hope that someday when Im in their same position, there will someone to help me. I am also working part time at Reliant Rehab Hospital. Its interesting to see what happens to a lot of our patients after they leave us. I love that I can send someone from the hospital who for instance, has had a stroke, and see how much they progress and how much more independent they become. Its awesome!

Life here in Abilene is hot. We've had very little rain, and lots of 100+ degree weather. Luckily, Im either sleeping or in the hospital, so I only feel it when I go to get in my car! I love that I live in a place that has marques that say "pray for rain"...everywhere from the churches to the car wash to the oil change place, and no one gets offended!

I was able to finally make it to Utah this month after a year of not getting up there. I have the most adorable neice and nephew on the planet! I'll post pictures from our adventures tomorrow when Im on my computer. Lilly is 2.5 and a fiesty little thing. Im pretty sure when I got there, all she knew about me was that I send her presents from Texas. She can be so sweet, and the next moment her horns pop out and you wonder where that kid came from! She's HILARIOUS! She made me laugh so much. I took her to get to her ears pierced, and she's so excited to have such pretty earrings. We went swimming, played at the park, and went to the zoo. She's so much fun. My little nephew D'Mitri is a month old now, but he was just over 2 weeks when I was there. He is a tiny little thing. I was so excited to meet him! I got to my moms house at about 3 am, and went right up to my sisters room and took him from her. He was pretty much attached to me the rest of my trip! I had him 24/7, which despite the sleep deprivation, I LOVED! I need to have me a baby! :) It was so much fun having a tiny baby to play with. He loves his Aunt Jess! Oh, and I guess it was great to see the rest of the family too. :)

Well, thats pretty much an update on my life. I'll post some pictures later! Pray that I survive this semester! :)

New Beginnings

Its been a while since I've posted, but late is better than never, right??? :)

Not much new has been going on in my life. Im still working as a nurse aid on the neurology floor at Hendrick Medical Center. I love my job. I work nights, which can be rough, but its working out. I've learned SO much about nursing, and medicine, and just the overall human experience. I love being able to make someones hospital stay the most positive experience it can be. Its just awesome!

Im starting school in a week and half. Yikes! It sometimes makes me feel bad that most of the people I graduated high school with have already graduated college, but now is the right time for me to be there. I have done so much the last 6 years, and learned so much about myself and what I want out of my life. I taking 4 classes, 13 credit hours. Im taking 3 online courses- English, Sociology, and Texas Government (dont ask me why thats a required class...I live in Texas. They're very proud.) And Im also taking Elementary Algebra with a lab. Im nervous and excited about going to school. Its been a LONG time since I've been in the world of homework, assignments, and tests. It will definitly be an adjustment. Especially because the last time I did that I was working part time and living with Mom. Now Im on my own with rent and a car payment, and it seems like more and more bills. I work 48-60 hours a week, and in order to pay all those bills I still will work that much while Im in school. Its going to be crazy but Im determined to be happy and successful. I cant wait to have the letters RN at the end of my name! :)

Speaking of the car payment...I did buy a new car about 2 months ago! I had driven to Arizona to visit my friend Rachel, and on the way home (about 30 minutes into the drive) another car had decided to turn around on the freeway. As she was coming back onto my side of the freeway from the median, she ran right into me. I'd never been the driver in a car accident and it scared me to death! Physically I was fine, and so was the other driver, but my car was a mess. She hit me on the drivers side door and it wouldnt open when I tried to get out. That began a 6 week process of settling the accident. After that whole ordeal, my tolerance and respect for car insurance people went down the toilet! It was the most miserable experience ever. Thankfully, I have a great friend in Abilene who let me use her car for a month while I was fighting with American Family Insurance. It was a humbling experience to have to rely on her so much, but Im so grateful to have her. The whole experience turned out to be a blessing. I got a check for $1,000 more than what I paid for my car, and I was able to put a down payment on my new car. What was even more amazing was that I was able to get financed all on my own. It was a proud moment. :) I got a 2009 Mazda 6. I LOVE it! It has air conditioning and starts everytime I turn the key (which I couldnt say about my Maxima!)

Thats about what my life has been the last few months. Im looking forward to this new chapter of my life and have set goals for myself that I will do anything to achieve. One of those is to get back into my running and developing a healthy lifestyle. More on that to come...

I love and miss you all! Come visit sometime!

xoxo, Jess

Race Results

Based on my timing chip, I ran it in 2 hours 58 minutes and 17 seconds. Which averaged out to be 13 min 36 seconds a mile. My goal was 13 minutes. I did my best and Im proud of how it turned out! Pictures will come soon!

2010 Salt Lake City Half Marathon

Oh my goodness! Its 2 days later and my legs still hurt! It was such a good experience though. I originally wanted to run the full marathon, but due to my work schedule I wasnt able to train like I wanted to and only felt somewhat prepared to maybe run the half. Most days I was running 2-3 miles at the gym before work. I had a 6 mile run one day, but up until Sunday the 11th that was the farthest I'd run. On the 11th I had a course mapped out in Abilene that I approximated was about 10 miles. The week leading up to that I had been sick with a head cold and some upper respiratory stuff, but I knew I had to get a good run in.

That Sunday came, I woke up early and took off. My lungs felt like they were on fire, but I just had to keep moving. I made it those 10 miles, in 2 and a half hours. I walked a good portion of it. After that I only ran a couple more days before I would run 13 miles in SLC. Needless to say, I was a little concerned!

I chose to run in SLC because thats where my family is and I knew it would mean a lot to my parents to be able to support me in something like that. I brought my good friend Kristen with my from Abilene to watch me run too. I was so nervous as I was headed up to the start line, knowing full well that I could barely make it 10 miles just a week ago. Now, I was about to embark on a 13 mile jaunt.

As I began the run, I just kept thinking "I wont stop until at least the 5th mile!" It was super motivating seeing all those other runners. I just started running and waited and waited to see the first mile marker. It didnt show up until mile 3, and when I saw that I was super excited because I was feeling great. There was another mile marker at 4, but then another didnt show up until 6. And at 6 I was still running. I hadnt stopped and I was feeling really good knowing that I was about halfway and still hadnt stopped.

It wasnt until the 9th mile that I stopped running and started walking. And let me just tell you it took my legs a second to adjust! It was the weirdest feeling. I walked just long enough to take off one of my shirts, get a rock out of my shoe, and stretch my legs a little. Then I was off again. I ran until I hit the 11th mile. Between the 11th and 12th mile I was running up State Street in downtown SLC. I was starting to slow down, and would run a block, and then walk a block. I was getting tired! I hit mile 12, knew I only had 1.1 miles to go and used every little bit of energy I had left to run it.

I thought I was about to kill over until I turned into the Gateway mall and saw the street lined with people and I knew the finish line was just right there! I got a rush of adrenaline and picked up the speed. In the video, I realize Im not moving very fast, but at that point it sure felt like it! I was grateful to see my family there at the finish, and I was grateful just to be finished!

If you wouldve asked me if I was glad I ran the day of the race, my reaction wouldnt be the most positive. But now, I am so glad I was able to do it. I was able to prove to myself that my body is a powerful tool that God has given me, and that it is capable of way more than I give it credit for. I realized that my spirit is more determined than I thought and my possibilities are limitless. I didnt let my fear and worry stop me from finishing the race. I did it!! And it feels SO good!

Im grateful that my mom, dad, Lilly, and Kristen were there for me at the finish. They were a motivation as I ran, knowing they were there waiting. And Im really grateful Kristen came from Abilene with me. She's been my gym buddy and super motivating from the very beginning.

Im going to keep running. Some day, in the near future, I'll run a full marathon. Because I know I can!

Warm weather makes me smile!

Hey everyone! Sorry I havent written for a while. I dont have internet at my house and updating a blog on my iphone just doesnt sound that appealing!
A quick update on my life...Im still living in Abilene, TX. I was going to try and move back to Cali last fall, but it just wasnt working out. So, I figure the Lord still needs me here. I just wish He would hurry up and tell me why! Im working at Hendrick Medical Center as a nurse aid. I love love love my job (most of the time.) I love being a part of peoples lives, and making what is a really crappy experience a little bit better. And I guess the "crappy" part could be taken literally with some of my older, less continent patients. I always seem to have a good poop story! :)
Other than work, my life is pretty boring. I have plans to start school at the local community college this summer and work towards being a nurse when I grow up.
It has finally started to warm up here in Texas. It snowed WAY too much this winter. That shouldnt happen in Texas, but it does. Warm weather is bitter sweet though, seeing as how I dont have air conditioning in my car! But, I'll take that over snow anyday!
I have made some great friends here and Im happy with what my life is like right now. I stay busy, and somehow manage to pay the rent every month! Life is good.
I hope y'all are doing well. I love and miss everyone!

xoxo, Jess

Im not very good at this!

I apologize in advance for my lack of blogging. If you all understand how much I work, you would be amazed that I even have time to do this once a month!

So, lets see. Whats new? Well, for starters I had a great trip to Utah last month. I kidnapped Lilly and had her for the 4 days I was there. That girl, although still pretty tiny, is a bedhog! I have a king size bed and slept on the very edge of it, afraid to move because she decided that her favorite spot was right up against my back. Silly girl. She's her aunties little girl. Cant wait to see her again in a couple weeks.

Yes, Im coming back to Utah for a few days in the middle of September. My friend Hellen here in Abilene is getting sealed to her husband Dave in the Salt Lake temple on Sept. 19. Im so excited for them!

I guess the other noteworthy thing I should mention is that Im moving back to California in November. Since I've been here in Abilene I knew this is where I was supposed to be and really felt like I couldnt leave, despite the frequent urges I had to get out as fast as I could! But a few weeks ago, that need to stay left. After a lot of prayerful consideration I felt like my answer was just to be where I wanted to be. I had to choose. So, I choose California. Its where my heart is, and where I feel like I belong. It just so happens that Trish, the first mom I worked for in Cali, is in need of a part time nanny. So, I'll do that, and find a job as a CNA. I figured out how to get all my certification stuff transfered. And since I still have my California drivers license, as far as they know, I've been there since 2005. I'll still be able to get in-state tuition which is WAY cheap in Cali. I really want to start school. Even if I just have to start with 1 class.

Im grateful for the time I have had in Abilene. It grows on ya. But, it has definitly been a rough 7 months. I have learned so much about myself, relationships, and finding joy. Im sure I'll miss it, but its time to go. I have met people who have changed my life forever and will be my friends for as long as I live. I hope they know how much I love them.

Im excited to go back to California. The ocean is calling me home! :) I have such good friends there and so much more of an opportunity for a normal social life! It'll be a new adventure, and Im ready for it!

I think that pretty much covers it for the last month. Maybe I'll get around to doing this again before Halloween! :)